Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize