i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
