My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
