Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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