I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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