life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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