seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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