Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
