so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
