You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
