My nipple is on Facebook.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
