If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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