then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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