I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
