Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
