Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
