Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
