The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
