Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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