4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I understand Curling. That high.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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