At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
