Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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