I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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