we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
