My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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