a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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