my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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