On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
