I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
