it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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