Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
