Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize