at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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