I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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