Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
