new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
