Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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