Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
