Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
