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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize