I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Drunk is a universal language darling
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize