So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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