Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am naked and annoyed.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
