Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
