All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Randomize
