Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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