the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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