Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
