I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
