that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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