Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
