We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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