haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
