I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
