i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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