my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
