Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
