So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Come on in and take your pants off
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