Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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