my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
